My Heart, My Heart

You have become what I foresaw and dreaded.
You are what I strived to stop and to protect from,
But you have become as corrupted as my worst fears
Even as my soul beseeched God
to keep you pure, innocent and beautiful,
as you are born to be.

I poured out my entire being for you and to you
to be a cocoon of love around you
But you rejected it,
and instead build around you a strong wall of iron,
a mile thick, and reaching to the skies.

I am out of joint,
I am dislocated
All within me is in tumult
Just as I was
when you rejected my love
after we had crab for dinner
I cannot understand
I do not know why

I cried to God
I asked Him why He awakened my broken and frozen heart
to love you but yet not
I seeked God like I never had before
ceaselessly, searchingly and most desperately
Surely God does not stir in me a futile hope to mock me
for surely he loves me and cares for me
even as he loves and cares for you
O God where are you leading me?
O God where are you leading us?

I cannot see you
I cannot hear you
Yet I know you
And I see you

I see you walking through mud and scum
I see the clear crystal vase that you are
dropped, rolled around, filled with all sorts
I am agonised with fear and dread
that the vessel be scratched, cracked or marred.

I cry out voicelessly
reached out unreachably
I am in pain beyond pain
I am like a prisoner in bounds
striving against it but unable to break it
impotent and powerless
to stop you from defiling and descrating yourself

My heart bleeds
pierced over and over again
but yet it will not die
In warm glistening blood
it pulsates refusing to die
for now I have a reason to live

How long O LORD
How long must I bear the pain
How much more depraved is he to become
How much more pain beyond pain must I bear